A Widow's Story from Loss to Peace: Finding God in the Darkest Valley

Chapters

• 0:14 Introduction to Carmen's Journey
• 3:35 Carmen's Early Faith and Meeting Scott
• 10:46 Marriage Struggles and Addiction
• 16:15 Scott's Recovery and Spiritual Growth
• 25:05 Scott's New Job and Final Family Time
• 35:51 The Accident and God's Providence
• 43:38 Finding Peace in Loss and God's Purpose
• 52:40 Community Support and Final Thoughts

Transcript

Gianina: 0:00

Welcome back to Walk Through, where we step into the valleys of life with faith, knowing that God walks with us through it all. Today we have an incredibly moving conversation with my beautiful friend, carmen Bates. Just five months ago, carmen lost her husband of nearly 17 years in a tragic car accident. In the midst of unimaginable grief, she has experienced God's peace, provision and the power of prayer like never before. Her story is one of deep loss, yet also victory witnessing her husband overcome addiction, experiencing restoration in their marriage and seeing God use his testimony to impact lives. Carmen's faith reminds us that sometimes God carries us over the storm, lifting us on wings like eagles. I know this conversation will encourage and challenge you, so let's dive in. Hey, carmen, how are you doing today?

Carmen: 0:49

Hi guys, I'm doing great. I'm so excited to be here with y'all.

Gianina: 0:53

Yeah well, we're definitely excited to have you and, honestly, when I first started thinking about this podcast and different guests that I would want to have on to share, you were one of the people I first thought of and I was a little bit hesitant because, I'm like man, this is such a fresh loss that I didn't know how willing you would be to share. Truthfully, that is what this is all about is just like learning and walking through things together in the midst of it, even when it's not pretty and even when it's not tied with the bow and positive emotions. So I'm really really thankful that you are open to sharing your story. So thank you so much for that bravery, and I would just love to open up with just you telling me a little bit more about yourself and how you came to know Jesus and just kind of where you're at now in your journey.

Carmen: 1:43

Sure, okay. Well, I just want to say I'm so honored that you thought of me. Like you said, this is still very much raw and the grief is still very real, but I just have seen that if I am an open vessel and just share my walk that I'm going through, the Lord will use that in so many ways. So I am super grateful. I actually grew up in the church and have amazing parents who have always loved the Lord and always instilled that in me.

Carmen: 2:14

I would say that probably when I was around 20 years old, I was in college and I was going to church every Sunday, but that was about the extent of my walk with Christ.

Carmen: 2:26

I had lost my best friend a childhood best friend in a car accident.

Carmen: 2:30

She was killed by a drunk driver and I still remember that day that I made the decision that I was mad at God and I wasn't going to do what he asked me to do anymore.

Carmen: 2:39

Like why am I going to live my life for you when you took the best thing in my life? So I was very angry with the Lord for a while and, like most college kids, I decided I was going to start living that party life and just having fun and not worrying about a sin in my life, and I would say that I still went to church on Sunday just to check that box because I had been raised that good Christian girl, but in my heart I was not seeking after the Lord at all and I was in such a broken place, like going from relationship to relationship that when I met my husband he was so broken in his own sin and addiction and abandonment from his parents that it was almost like his brokenness matched my brokenness and his crazy matched my crazy. We were just, you know, we bonded right away and fell in love very quickly. But today, you know, I'm in a completely different place.

Kiley: 3:35

So if you can tell me a little bit about your story with Scott, like, obviously we're going to dive into the season that you're in right now, but you know how did you guys find yourself back with walking with the Lord after meeting each other at you know that particular point in your life?

Carmen: 3:58

That is a great question, so I'm so glad you asked that. So we were probably dating for two years when we found out that we were pregnant with my daughter, savannah, and Scott was actually getting ready to enlist, to go to the army, and so my mom panicked and she basically told my husband you need to marry my daughter and make a woman out of her. So we did. We planned a wedding in less than a week. It was beautiful, and the night before he was supposed to get sworn in y'all. I cried and I begged him not to go, so he ended up not going and staying, and I'm so grateful for that because who knows, you know how he would have if he would have come back, even because we were in war at that time. It was in 2006,. 2007 is when we got married. And then, after Savannah was born, we got married really quickly and I grew up Catholic and he grew up Southern Baptist. So, y'all, there is no compromise there. You know it's not an easy compromise at all. So we just decided that we just weren't going to go anymore, which breaks my heart to say now. But yeah, I would not recommend jumping into a marriage like we did, without having that conversation about what that's going to look like. Even though he grew up in a Christian school and reading his Bible and I grew up Catholic. It's completely different.

Carmen: 5:18

We struggled a lot in our marriage at the beginning. Not only did we have Savannah, but then we had baby Molly right after that like back to back. They're 19 months apart. So if I can tell you that there was turmoil in our marriage, that is saying it lightly we fought all the time. There was still some of that partying and drinking and stuff going on.

Carmen: 5:40

Scott actually got really bad into drugs at one point and I didn't even know. He came and confessed that to me one day that he had been doing drugs for the last six months and had no idea. Immediate response was I forgive you. And so we tried to work through that and eventually it got to the point where I was just like I'm done, like I cannot do this anymore, and he begged me like please just give me one more chance. And I remember in that moment thinking what's the point? Like why? What is going to be different this time? And he vowed to me that he was going to stop doing drugs and we were going to start going to church and I was like okay, yeah, right. Like where are we going to go? And he said we're going to go to Gateway and that next Sunday we did. He took me to Gateway and we never stopped going. He woke my butt up every Sunday.

Carmen: 6:32

It wasn't very long since we started going there. He loved the preaching and I loved the worship music. I'd never experienced anything like it. Somebody came up behind us while we were in line for coffee and they were like oh, they don't have enough volunteers today. And I couldn't get our kiddo checked in for child care and my husband was like well, that's not right, we just got to drop off our kids. Being the man that he was, he was like any excuse to get out of the sermon that day. He was like I'll go volunteer in the nursery. So y'all we did. For probably eight years we served in the nursery together and the Lord truly restored our marriage there, in that room with us three-year-olds every Sunday, and it's so beautiful and I'm so grateful for that that's such a testament to praying without ceasing because we've talked in a couple of the episodes already about how God doesn't always answer our prayers when we think he's going to.

Kiley: 7:26

Sometimes it takes months or even years, and I think that is such a just a huge testament to your faith, that that he is walking through that with you and that he'll bring you to the same place at the right time, and that's just beautiful, absolutely.

Carmen: 7:42

Thank you so much. So I was going to tell y'all that we were there at that church for over 10 years and I think it'll be two years ago. In April, my daughter actually my oldest daughter came to me and asked us if we could start going to this other church, city Mark, and I was not happy about it. I'm like I'm a women's Bible study teacher, like the Lord is using me, you know, and I really wrestled with the Lord. But we prayed about it and we discerned it, and Scott was like I would rather the girls be excited about going to church than having to like bribe them on Sunday mornings with Starbucks.

Carmen: 8:15

Yeah, we switched over to our new church and that summer I think it was 2023, my daughter, savannah, was able to go to camp, church camp with this new church. We didn't really know anybody there. She had a couple of friends, but the pastor got up on stage and just looked down at her and she was sobbing just in tears, and so he was just compelled and moved by her and he actually he pulled her up on stage and asked her friends to come alongside her, and they all laid hands on her and asked her what was wrong, and so she admitted to them that her dad had started drinking a lot lately and that she had so much anger and unforgiveness toward him and she just didn't know what to do with that. And so everybody there in that room prayed for my husband, y'all. And somebody sent me a picture of that moment and it's oh my gosh. I'm just so grateful that someone captured that moment. I was able to show it to my husband and he said why do I feel like that's about me? And I just believe that that was the Holy Spirit prompting him.

Carmen: 9:20

We had recently set a healthy boundary with his parents. That had really hurt us and as much as we had prayed about that and felt peace about it, it set him into a tailspin. He just had so much hurt from them. But obviously the point was not only just to protect him from getting hurt, but it was now going on to our children getting hurt by their grandparents and we cannot keep doing this. So it was a healthy boundary but unfortunately, yeah, it just really sent him into a deep depression. And the only way that he could numb it, you know, he promised me he'd never do drugs again and he didn't.

Carmen: 9:54

But the drinking really got kind of scary. It got out of control, and so I would love to say that he immediately went and got help, but it took probably about four months before he made the very brave decision to go and check into a 30-day rehab and he admitted to me that this wasn't the first time that he's been to rehab, but this was his first time completing all the steps and I was like shocked, like what made it different this time. And he said this is the first time I've ever wanted to live a sober life and actually been able to see my future being sober. He said I'll never forget that. He said I checked all the boxes and I said what does that mean? And so he said I'm finally going to get the trauma therapy for my childhood that you've been asking me to do for years, and this really changed everything for our family.

Carmen: 10:43

He got out of rehab a year ago in December, and we were able to spend our first sober Christmas together. Over the next eight months in 2024, we were living in answered prayer. Every time someone asked how we were doing, how our marriage was doing, how Scott was doing, I didn't give the usual like good you know answer that we normally give. I just couldn't wait to tell everyone how great God was for answering my prayers.

Carmen: 11:12

Yeah it was sober, our marriage was restored and, like most importantly, our daughters were able to heal that relationship with their daddy. After his struggle, he was really just walking in true freedom and I'd never seen him walk in that before. He was reading his Bible every day, making gratitude lists and sharing them with me, like it was just truly surreal.

Gianina: 11:33

Yeah, that's so powerful, and I think one of the things we talked about how we need to see people who are addicted to things as the person first and not as their addiction, and so I just think that's such a powerful testimony where you saw Scott and you saw his heart and who he truly is, rather than just looking at him with this label of an addiction that was over his life, and because of that, god allowed you to see something in him and bring it forward and pray for him and your daughters as well, and so that is just such a powerful testimony of really truly seeing people the way that God sees them and not the way that the world sees them. For sure, that's so beautiful. Thank you, yeah, yeah, that's really cool. So tell me about just the last year, kind of what that journey has looked like, and I know that he was starting to work and just have different things going on in his life. So if you want to share that part of your journey, too Sure.

Carmen: 12:39

So it was last is the end of May. Gosh, we had just been struggling, living paycheck to paycheck for so long and, just you know, living paycheck to paycheck for so long and, just you know, barely making ends meet. And here he is, like reading God's word and he's like I know that God has great plans for me. I know that he basically he was. He was tired of just surviving and he wanted us to thrive. Like he just wanted to become that amazing provider for us. And he got the opportunity to go work out of state as an electrician with a family friend and if y'all know my husband, you knew what a big deal this was. Because he, as much of a social butterfly as I am, he is like complete opposite. He wants, he's a homebody. He like has his spot on the couch, he just wants to be here and the four walls with just just us. Like he just wants to be with in the four walls with just just us. Like he just wants to be with his girls. Like everyone else is like I don't want to hang out with those people. And so this was huge for us for him to like. You know the 30 days in rehab, that was the longest he'd ever been away from us, and so when he made this decision, it was a huge sacrifice. We didn't know. They said it was probably going to be a three to six month job and we were like what? But when we sat down pen to paper, we were like this could really change our lives, and so we prayed about it and he decided that he would go.

Carmen: 13:56

And so in June it was the day after my birthday, actually May 29th he left to go to Arkansas. He was actually living in Moon Lake, mississippi it's right there on the border of Arkansas and Mississippi and he lucked out. He got this little tiny home. He didn't have to live in a hotel and y'all. It was literally lakefront property, so beautiful. He woke up in the morning and there was the sunrise over the lake and the birds chirping, and it was just so gorgeous and so peaceful and, I believe, just so healing that he got to go and experience that just being in the middle of nowhere, with nobody out there and terrible phone reception. Most of our communication had to be in text message, and so we were able to communicate a lot of things in text and going back now, it's so beautiful to be able to read those words. What a gift.

Carmen: 14:47

But he was there for probably two months and he flew down in June for my daughter's 16th birthday party. We had a huge bash. We decided to make it a big deal. We'd never done anything like that and it was so much fun. He was like, oh no, I'm coming, there's no way I'm missing that. Like it was so important to him.

Carmen: 15:05

And then 4th of July he also got to come home for like four days and my daughter was like, let's go float the river, like here in Texas, that's like you do. And I was like we cannot afford to do that. And he was like, are you kidding me? Our teenager wants to spend time with us. We're going to go, I'll take it. And so we did. And you know they grumbled, of course, but I, you know, I took pictures of us and I'm just. It was just so beautiful to be able to have those, you know, beautiful memories together. That was our last. We didn't know, but that was going to be our last family vacation.

Carmen: 15:35

So he finished out July working in Arkansas and he ended up driving back because they had promised him that he was going to be making all this overtime, 60 hours a week, 80 hours a week, and here he was barely making 40. We're paying rent in two places, like it just wasn't making sense. So he actually came home for three weeks and it was right when the girls were getting ready to go back to school. He took them back to school shopping. He took my youngest daughter, molly, to get registered for high school and pick up all her schedules for high school. It was just such a beautiful time and I feel like what a gift it was to get him home for those three weeks, cause I really feel like there was, he was different, like our marriage was different, like, I think, just us being separate for those two months and like me having to like take out the trash and kill the bugs and having to sleep in my bed without him, it just, I think, gave us more of like a gratitude for each other. And what a gift that was to just be able to spend those three weeks together.

Carmen: 16:34

And he ended up. He was applying for jobs like crazy, like when he got home he was like I'm not going to settle, I'm going to find, you know, a really good job here, and you know I don't want to be away from y'all. But the offers he was getting were just not what he wanted. And so when his boss called him and said, hey, we're actually, we just worked a 50-hour week. If you want to come back out, we're actually working the hours that we promised you. And so, as hard as it was, we prayed about it and we were like, ok, you're going to go back out for 30 days, like, we've been through this, we know we can do it, let's do it again.

Carmen: 17:09

And he got packed up and he was supposed to leave on Wednesday morning and this was Tuesday afternoon. He had me pull out my phone and he was like, hey, calculate this and calculate that. And what I didn't know was he was trying to figure out if he drove all night and took a nap when he got there in the morning. If he went in at noon, he could add I think it was you know an extra six hours of overtime to his first paycheck. And he was really worried we weren't going to have money for rent the next week.

Carmen: 17:32

So he had been cooking this beautiful roast all day y'all. This is like a Christmas roast he loved to cook for us. And about 20 minutes before it was done he was like, okay, I'm going to go. And I was like what, you're not even going to wait to eat? And he said, no, baby, I made that for y'all.

Carmen: 17:49

So before he walked out the door he had a beautiful heart-to-heart conversation with my daughters. I am a hugger y'all. If you've ever met me, if you ever meet me, I'm going to. There's no handshakes, there is hugs, and my husband is not the huggy person and so he would, you know, be real sweet to me and he would let me hug him as long as I wanted, but normally if I lingered too long I would get the little shoulder tap. You know, like that's good, we're done here, that's enough. And we would both laugh and y'all. That day was different, like he just let me hold him as long as I wanted, and I'm so grateful for that. My daughter was sitting right there and we kissed each other goodbye and I mean it was a good kiss y'all. She said, ew, gross, but that was her last image of her parents together and I'm so grateful for that.

Carmen: 18:40

He got on the road and I was able to call him a couple of times that night. I had to work the next day. You know it's the middle of the week, you know. So I was like, well, I'm going to call you. You know it's your phone. You know, make sure you're drinking, you're active. And I called him probably at four o'clock in the morning it was the last time I woke up and I was like how are you doing? He's like I'm good. And I was like, oh yeah, he's like I'm hopped up on Red Bull and I remember making some kind of you know like wife nagging comment about him drinking that poison. Yeah, that's not good for you, but whatever keeps you awake. So I told him before I hung up, because it was he was driving in the woods and you know there's spotty reception and I just said please, please, please. He said he was an hour away and I was like please, just text me whenever you get there. You know, don't call me and wake me up. I was like I just want to know that you made it safely, because my alarm won't go off till six and I didn't want to be woken up again. And he was like, ok, and you know we said I love you and goodbye. When I woke up that morning I had my phone and just felt, you know, a pit in my stomach because there was no text message and I just said, ok, lord, he's just really tired. He just went straight to bed, and so I didn't say anything to the girls, I just got them ready and took them to school.

Carmen: 19:57

And every day I do the Bible recap with Tara Lee Cobble and I listen to her little podcast when I leave the girls school, her little podcast when I leave the girls school. And that day I just remember being so anxious, like wanting to trust the Lord, but also so anxious at the same time. And she said something that made me just like stop and I was like wait a second. What did she just say? And I hit repeat on it and I actually listened to it three times and I'm going to share that with y'all.

Carmen: 20:23

She said God's presence is with us, no matter what happens. If we can remember who God is and how much he loves us, awareness of his nearness is the antidote to fear. Not only is he the God of gods, but he is your father, he loves you, he's with you and he's where the joy is. And I found so much comfort in that, so much comfort, in fact, that when the Lake City Police Department called me an hour later to say they had to come and talk to me and tell me something in person. I knew, I know that my situation's like it doesn't look good or sound good to the world, but I just I know that God's word said that he is like working all things for good for those who love him and are called to his purpose. I have no idea like what his plan is for my life, but I do know whatever it is, whatever that looks like, it's better than what I thought it would be and I trust him.

Gianina: 21:52

Yeah, that's so powerful. I think I remember sharing that when you were going through that loss, I had three or four friends, other situations, and I truly believe that is just the Lord that was on your life. And another thing that I want to point out is you had such a beautiful community that God had just surrounded you with, and that was something that was really inspiring to me, just to see how many people were rallying around you.

Gianina: 22:20

And so I think that's really great and also just in you sharing that story, thinking about God's faithfulness, just the redemption of it. You got to see Scott's redemption story here on this earth and on this side of eternity, and not just his redemption story, but your redemption story in your marriage and in your family, and God's faithfulness in that that Scott wasn't taken before you got that chance and before. Like God, God's timing is so perfect in that he just knew that he wanted this to be your story, so that that's something that you could share. So, um, wow, that's definitely so, so powerful. And I know you mentioned this was kind of a little tidbit that you had mentioned on social media that I saw there was someone who was there with Scott when it happened I don't remember on my Facebook page because it's so miraculous.

Carmen: 23:21

While he was there in Arkansas working those two months, I was the precious wife that I am. I was constantly asking him, reminding him, have you found the church yet? And he was like, babe, I'm out in the middle of nowhere, there's no church. And I'm like, really, there's a church somewhere? I don't want to hear that. And he's like, well, I'm watching, you know, watching Pastor Matt on YouTube. And I was like, well, that's great, but you need to get inside of a church, like you need to find community. It's so important.

Carmen: 23:57

And so the last Sunday that he was there, he actually said hey, I talked to one of the guys out at work, augie. He invited me to church and I'll never forget y'all, my sweet little Southern Baptist husband was like it's a Pentecostal church, that's the same as Methodist, right, it's like tried to stifle my laugh. But I was like, yes, baby, it's the same, but it's just a little bit dressier. Just know, just put on some nice slacks. And you know, don't wear your hat. And you know, fix your hair. I am not about to say anything right now, that's going to stop him from being apprehensive about walking in that door. So he went to church that day and, y'all, it was an all black church and he was so amazed by the worship music and I don't know if y'all you know I mentioned it earlier but I love worship music and my husband like not that big on it but he is, so he loves me so much.

Carmen: 24:53

He recorded the singing because he was so moved by it and I actually have recordings of him. He just, you know, very respectfully put his phone down and it's just basically an audio recording. But man, just, you can just feel the Holy Spirit in that place. It feels like you're watching a movie, just so beautiful. And after he passed I went back and listened to those recordings and I felt the Holy Spirit tell me that God healed him in that church and that's why he came home different. And that's why he came home different. But that day there was a preacher and it was his first time preaching at that church. He was actually a minister and he hadn't gotten his pastoral doctorate or whatever that's called yet. But he, you know, he said that Scott kind of stuck out, and so he went up and said hi to him and met him before he left. That day Scott even came home and told when he was here. He told the neighbor, like the neighbor's husband came over after he passed and he was like oh yeah, he told me all about that church. I was like he did, I just thought he was coming home to tell me about it. But it impacted him so much that he actually told our neighbor a couple weeks later about how amazing that church service was. So praise God for that.

Carmen: 26:09

But yeah, I was told by the League City Police Department that Scott fell asleep at the wheel and tree and died instantly. And I was fine with that story because I was like he didn't suffer. And that's actually the same way that my best friend died was killed by the drunk driver. And the next day I got a text message from Scott's coworker and he said did you know? It was the pastor that found him. And I said what Call me? And so the pastor. I ended up getting on the phone with him and talking to him for an hour. But it's a crazy story. He has like a real job that he goes to, you know, monday through Friday and he has to get up on the road super early. Oh, this was an hour away from where Scott was supposed to be.

Carmen: 26:49

Pastor Fred was driving down the road to his job and he was already late and he felt past a van on the side of the road and he thought maybe they had like a flat tire or something. But they were, you know, out on the side of the road and he was like I'm not going to stop, like I'm going to keep going because I don't want to be late for work. And so he kept driving and the Holy Spirit kept telling him turn around, turn around. And he said the third time he heard turn around, he felt it in his guts Like it was just ripping him apart, like he could not ignore it. And so he turned back around thinking he's just going to change this guy's tire, no big deal. But he bought all the car and the man standing on the side of the road, who nobody knows who he was, by the way pointed and said there's a truck down in the ravine and they need help. He couldn't even see his truck from the road.

Carmen: 27:34

So Pastor Fred went down and he said that when he got to the truck he was kind of in shock and didn't know what to do. He'd never come upon the scene of an accident before, and so he said he couldn't talk. And then after a few minutes he just was, you know, shouted hello, is everyone okay? And Scott answered him back, and so he tried everything he could to like open the door, but it was jammed. So he went and got a crowbar Y'all. He smashed the back window out of the truck just to crawl inside and be with my husband and lay hands on him and pray over him. He prayed the blood of Jesus over him. He claimed miraculous healing over him and he stayed there with him, talking with him and praying over him, until the medical personnel arrived.

Carmen: 28:16

His sister had a vision or a dream, but she didn't tell him about it until the next day when she found out all of this happened and she said that her dream was that he was going out into the woods and there was guard dogs barking and trying to keep him out of the woods. And she said there was something lodged in his throat so he couldn't speak. And once my younger brother talked to Pastor Fred, he said well, you didn't know this, but Scott struggled with some demons, and so we believe that that dream that she had was prophetic, that the enemy was sending these demons to keep him here and there was a fight between good and evil. And the Lord didn't want Scott there by himself. He didn't want him to die alone. He loves Scott so much and he loves me so much that he not only sent someone to be there with him at the hour of his death, but he sent a man of God that he knew in Arkansas to be there and be able to pray with him at the hour of his death. But he's, then, a man of God that he knew in Arkansas to be there and be able to pray with him. And since I heard that y'all, I just have so much peace that when Scott's spirit left this earth, that he was able to look down and see this, not only that he wasn't alone, but that God sent a man of God that he knew to be with him at the hour of his death Like how can I be mad at God?

Carmen: 29:29

And right after Pastor Fred left the scene, he picked up the phone and called Augie, of all people, and said hey, I don't know if y'all are missing anyone on the job site. I just, you know, passed an accident and it was a red, it was a truck from with Texas license plate. And Augie was like no, you know, we've got everybody here this morning. And the boss that hired him, the family friend, was standing right there and said what color was the truck? He knew that Scott was on his way. So had he not picked up the phone, we would have never known that beautiful God story. Wow, and I'm so grateful for that because Pastor Fred told us that he believes that Scott's life had to be taken so that his story could be shared and that a thousand souls could be saved.

Carmen: 30:14

Hmm and I've already seen so many people who are atheists tell me that they're praying. I've had friends say you've changed my beliefs. I've had people say I bought my first Bible. My sister's husband went back to church after 26 years of not being in church. It's just so real and so personal to just see God keep showing up, and showing up, and showing up.

Gianina: 30:42

Yeah, and you know it's crazy. Today, as I was praying for this episode and praying over you, one thing that I just kept hearing the Holy Spirit say, I just felt God say like Carmen is held, like she's being held by me, she's being held by the Holy Spirit. And so it's just hearing these stories and your heart and your perspective and the things that people have said to you. I almost picture it like you're jumping off a cliff and there's just this net that catches you and it's just holding you, like even there's nothing that you have to do to try to keep yourself up, you're just being held by this net that is just surrounding you. And I wanted to share that.

Gianina: 31:27

But I also wanted to encourage you in that that if there ever does come a point where you feel like you have to be strong and you feel like you have to hold it all together to just let go, like don't, don't be afraid to just jump off that cliff, because there's going to be a net that is holding you up. So just, I know, as moms especially, we have this fear that if we let go, are our kids going to be strong, are their hearts going to be okay? I have to be strong for them. But just I truly feel like God is holding your whole family just in the same way that he held Scott in those last moments and in the last year or last few months of his life. He was so faithful in that moment that he's going to continue being so faithful in every moment in your guys' lives moving forward. I mean just to trust him in that. Yeah Amen, that is so beautiful.

Kiley: 32:31

And I think sometimes it's good for your kids to see you almost fall apart from time to time, because it is still very much a real raw grieving situation and sometimes they need to break down too and if they think, well, mom, mom is strong, she's gonna get through this. So I can't show any emotion either. Sometimes you just have to to let it go. I do have a question, because obviously this is still very new do you ever struggle with the thought that, like you know, all of this changed in your marriage, all of this changed in your marriage, all of this changed in your husband's life? And like, why didn't you get more time with him in that moment? Like, do you, do you struggle with those feelings? Or I mean, I understand that faith and that peace that you feel, but I also know that you know grief comes in different waves and so, for people who are listening, who may not be there yet, if you do struggle with that, like what would be your encouragement to them?

Carmen: 33:28

I have fallen more in love with Jesus than I have ever loved him before, and it's like I believe that the Lord had to cut me in order to heal me, and there's so many things that I have been talking to the girls about lately. I'm sorry that me and your dad did not model a healthy relationship, that I stayed when most women probably would have left. But the Lord told me I'm healing him and so I trusted the Lord and I continue to pray for him and do I wish that I had more time with him and his sobriety Absolutely, but at the same time, like my suffering on earth is nothing compared to the glory that I'm going to have an eternity in paradise with him.

Gianina: 34:15

Mm-hmm, he was almost my.

Carmen: 34:18

God. He was my comfort, he was my security, he was my strength, he was my protector, he was my provider. And God is showing me over and over again that he wants to be those things for me. He is those things for me and he will never let me down. He will never fail me. He is perfect at all of those things. And what a gift it is that I'm able to now love god as my husband. Yeah, even to the point where I'm able to look forward to years down the road and pray that, once I am fully healed, that the lord will bring me a new husband who I will never have to pray for his faith yeah and I will never have that relationship again, because he's healing me in so many ways that I didn't even know I needed to be healed in.

Carmen: 35:28

I don't know if that answered your question.

Kiley: 35:29

We've talked multiple times about how, you know, this life is really hard sometimes, but we know that it's temporary and all of it. You know God uses all of it for his glory and I think this is such a testimony that you have and the fact that it's bringing more people to God, even though it's in a way that you, you know, would not have desired in the first place. Just the fact that you know all of what you've heard so far from people who have been touched by your story, people who have been touched by your story, it's a big deal. We're growing the kingdom and that's what God wants.

Kiley: 36:10

He created us to be in relationships with each other and in relationship with Him, and so that's why he gives everybody that choice, and so if people hear your story and they come to God because of it, then that's huge.

Carmen: 36:20

Yeah for sure. I'm so grateful that, I mean, the Lord could have taken him in his sickness, and what a blessing that the Lord took him at his best, like there's no opportunity for him to relapse and break my daughter's heart. I just feel like that was such a gift. We don't, we don't know. We don't know what that would have looked like if he would have stayed here on this earth struggling. But now he's fully healed. He gets to be with Jesus.

Gianina: 36:50

That's such a beautiful story of redemption and truthfully, I mean, that is the gospel and that is what Jesus came for. And so what do you think is something that you hope others would learn from Scott's story and how God redeemed him?

Carmen: 37:07

Just that, if you're walking through a similar season, that you just cling to his promises. God's promises are true, and they're just as real for me as they are for you. Like there's nothing special about me. Your tears are falling. Let them fall. You know the Bible promises one day he will wipe away every tear. Death shall be no more. There will be no more mourning or crying or pain. This pain is temporary, but heaven is forever and I just truly believe that, as Christians, what we're walking through, the Lord will use it for good. If you are willing to be his vessel, and the Bible says he will comfort you with his love, not so that you can be comforted, but so that you can comfort others with his love. So what a gift that we're able to share the good news of Jesus and the hope of heaven Even while we grieve. Joy and grief can coexist.

Gianina: 38:06

Yeah, that's so good and that's a theme that we've been feeling is joy and grief coexisting, and I think a beautiful part of that is we can bring our grief to the Lord and he grieves with us, he weeps with us and I think, even with Scott in those last moments there were probably things that he grieved that he would miss, and I truly believe that the Lord was there with him in those moments and grieved with him and wept with him. And so now, on the other side of eternity, like you said, he has that healing and he has that fullness. And it's really really hard for us while we're still here on this side of eternity, but just knowing that, ultimately, everything that the enemy meant for evil, god, will turn it around for good for those who love him, that's really really, really powerful.

Kiley: 39:00

Yeah, thank you so much, and I want to ask because this is we're not only walking through this with you, but the people who are listening to this are also walking through something similar with other people, and so what I wanted to ask was it's kind of twofold. So what would you say to someone who's navigating a similar season and also what would you say to the people who are supporting somebody who's going through that season? Because you know, janina mentioned earlier that she just saw your community show up for you and we've talked about how, when people are going through certain things, their community around them doesn't always know how to approach the situation. They don't always know how to help. So what would you say to those people who know somebody who's going through something similar about how they can ultimately be there for them? That is a great question.

Carmen: 39:54

I can tell you that I am so grateful that we were at this new church because they truly stepped up and they were the church. I mean everything that we were at this new church because they truly stepped up and they were the church. I mean everything that you would want them to be like. They were that for me. And not only that, but I also had my. I had my other church of 10 years. We were surrounded by two church families and I mean they helped me pay for the celebration of life. You know, they brought Scott's body home. They showed up and fixed my fence that was down from the hurricane, bought me a computer so that I could work from home. They brought, they made a meal train for me. They started a GoFundMe for me.

Carmen: 40:31

It was just amazing to see, like how many people just showed up. So that's what I would say is like I had a lot of people that didn't show up and when I them, you know, months later, I was like what's up with that? What is up with that? Like I thought that you would be running through the door and they were like Well, no, I just I saw that you had so many people and I didn't want to be one of those people, like I wanted to wait and be like one of the people afterwards and it kind of hurt and like for me to have to say where, where were you? So I would just say like, even if you don't know what to say, just your physical presence, just a text message sending a meal, sending a prayer, sending a gift in the mail.

Carmen: 41:16

I got so many just random things in the mail. Flowers, you know, in the mail. I got so many just random things in the mail. Flowers, just little, tiny things, just people checking on me. I have one friend who even now, this Friday will be six months, which is crazy but she will text me randomly throughout the week and say how is your grief today? And most days I can say it's okay, it's manageable, but other days I'm like it's really heavy. And then she's like let's go grab a coffee or do you want me to come and sit with you and y'all? Even if she doesn't physically come here, she is at least still offering her heart, offering her prayers, and that has just been so beautiful to have. People just want to come and sit and spend time with me and talk about Scott, and talk about those memories and think about the good times and reminisce about how he brought them so much joy or held their baby in the nursery, and so all of those things are definitely precious gifts. So don't feel like you don't want to show up because you don't know what to say. You don't have to have the right words, you don't have to have any words, literally just like being a warm body. When you're feeling that kind of loss and that kind of void is such a gift to just have somebody physically present with you.

Carmen: 42:35

One more thing I would like to add is, if you're not plugged in in a church, please get plugged in in a church. Don't just walk in the door and walk out without talking to people, without getting involved, without serving. Get to know the people at your church. Get to know your church family. Get in a small group, serve as a greeter. Get to know your church family, because if you're not walking through something right now, I can tell you that that day is going to come and you're going to need them. You're going to need your church family. So don't do life without them. Yeah 100%.

Gianina: 43:07

Well, Carmen, would you be willing to just pray for our listeners and specifically if there's anybody who is maybe walking through a similar season as you? Absolutely.

Carmen: 43:19

Heavenly Father, I just want to lift up everybody that's under the sound of my voice, Lord. I thank you, lord, for your Holy Spirit. I thank you that you're our comforter. Lord, thank you that you're our strength, you're our provider. Lord, I just ask that you would be with each precious friend who is listening to this podcast right now. Lord, I ask for you to fill them up with your peace, a peace that surpasses all understanding. Lord, I just thank you for the gift of their life. I thank you for the gift of their community, lord, and I just ask that you would comfort them and that you would cover them with your wings, lord Jesus, and thank you so much for your goodness and for the promise of heaven.

Carmen: 43:57

Lord, thank you so much for that hope that one day there will be no more crying and no more pain. Lord, thank you that you count every tear. You are so good. God. Thank you for being such a good father to us. Thank you for loving us and for pursuing us. Thank you that you leave the 99 to come after the one. Lord, thank you so much for your love. Lord Jesus, we love you so much. It's in your holy name we pray. Amen.

Gianina: 44:21

Amen.

Kiley: 44:23

Well, thank you so much, Carmen, for sharing your story and for being here with us. It really it's just a beautiful story that continues to unfold and I just I really appreciate that you've shared that with us today. Carmen's journey is a testament to the truth that even in our deepest pain, god is present. He's near, he's working and he's redeeming. Her story reminds us that beauty can truly come from the ashes and that even in loss, there is victory in Christ. If today's episode spoke to you, we'd love to hear from you, share your thoughts, connect with us and let's continue this conversation. And if you know someone who needs encouragement in their own valley, please share this episode with them. You never know how God might use it to bring hope and healing. As always remember, no matter what valley you're walking through, you are never alone. Thanks for joining us on Walkthrough and we'll see you next time.